What jokes do you know?

[Fled74]

Your mamma's so fat, she downloaded cheat codes for Wii Fit.

[pauljh74]

There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them.... PUSH and PULL
***********************

I'm not saying our son's ugly, but he can't even get a pair of glasses to sit on his face.
***********************

Classes for Women
at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday October 15th 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past Next Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Football
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 6
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 7
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 8
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 9
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windscreen .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 10
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors..
*************************

A man joined a Satanic cult and started praying to the dark one. Lo and behold, Satan actually appeared with a big hammer in his hand and asked him to make 3 wishes.

"3 wishes? But I wanted a 100"

"No, you can only have 3"

"But I want a 100"

"Do you want to ask your 3 wishes, or should I leave?"

So this guy agrees.
His first wish is "I want you to change this giant hammer into a small wooden stick"
And so it happens
His second wish is "I want you to stick this wooden stick up your bum"

No choice left, Satan pushes the stick up his bum with tears flowing down his cheeks. He roars, "ask your third wish"

"I want you to grant me my remaining 97 wishes, else I'm going to convert this stick back into the giant hammer...."

Moral of the story: You cannot get anything from the management until you put a hammer up their clacker.
*************************

Seven stages of married life:

1:Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4: Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try anyone
7: Try to remember
*************************

I'm designing a new TV programme called 'The Point'

It's aimed at men, as I expect all women to miss it.
*************************

Brazilian Grand Prix; does that mean they all drive with bald tyres?

[munkky]

your mums so stupid when i asked her why she was yeling at an envelope she said she was sending voice mail

[fou_bleu]

Got this off a friend...

Mother Superior is in her office doing paperwork when there is a knock on her door;
“Come in”
In walk 2 leprechauns, one looks worried and the other is trying hard not to laugh.
“What can I do for you my sons?” asks Mother Superior.
The leprechauns hop up on the two chairs in front of her desk and the worried one says “Mother Superior do you have any leprechaun nuns in your convent?”
Mother replies “No my son we do not have any leprechaun nuns here in the convent” The leprechaun looks a little more worried and his friend starts to chuckle. The worried leprechaun tries again “In all of Ireland, Mother, are there any leprechaun nuns?”
“No my son, not in all of Ireland.” Is the reply. By now the other leprechaun is giggling and trying not to fall off his chair.
Getting desperate he finally asks “Well, Mother, are there any leprechaun nuns in the whole world?”
Mother Superior is sad to have to dash his hopes but has to answer “I’m sorry my son, there are no leprechaun nuns anywhere in the whole world”
The worried leprechaun’s friend finally loses it and shouts out to him “I told you Paddy! You had sex with a PENGUIN!!!”

[pauljh74]

A plane begins loading passengers and as the passengers take their seats they see two pilots approaching, one with a guide dog the other with a white stick.

Realizing that both are blind the passengers begin to stir as the two pilots enter the plane and go up into the cockpit. The plane finishes loading and at first the passengers are thinking this is some kind of prank and begin to joke about it. As the plane closes its doors and leaves the terminal, the passengers start getting nervous.

The plane then begins its take off and the passengers at this point are really upset especially since they notice a large lake at the end of the runway. The plane begins to get ready for take off, speeding faster and faster down the runway until the passengers realize they are about to go right into the lake and begin screaming.

The plane just at that moments lifts smoothly into the air and the passengers sigh with relief realizing they had nothing to worry about.

In the cockpit one of the pilots turns to other and says "One of these days they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna drown!"

[Velociraptor82]

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally ? Are you at peace with God ?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof ! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof ! the light goes
off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the
doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine ! But
I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it
true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the
bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off ?'

'Oh my God !' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again !'

[FGII-XR6]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.......
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope. ?

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.......
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September ?
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it??? ?

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November ?
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .....
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

[FGII-XR6]

Too true

[FGII-XR6]

[Mickxr8]

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you ****** all in here

[Mickxr8]

Two Newfoundlanders got laid off




Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid

off, so they went to the unemployment office together. When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton

panties and thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and

finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80

a week unemployment pay.



Mick was next and when asked his

occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitter was a skilled

job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.



When Paddy found out he

was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend

and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained,

"Panty Stitchers are unskilled and

Diesel Fitters are skilled

labor."



"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the

panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep,

diesel fitter!"

[Mickxr8]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model...

The women won.

[Mickxr8]

double post

[pauljh74]

Girls are like universities. I spend hours looking at them to realise I can't get into any of them.
**********************

Why did my wife cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three bloody hours ago.
**********************

My mate told me he has a rare form of Narcolepsy, which means he falls asleep after having an orgasm.

I said, "...don't all men do that?"

[Mickxr8]

APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

[Mickxr8]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen..

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[Mickxr8]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, 'I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.' The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, 'So, what's the catch?'

[Mickxr8]

McDonnell Douglas Warranty Card

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
[_] Mr.[_] Mrs.[_] Ms.[_] Miss[_] Lt.[_] Gen.[_] Comrade[_] Classified[_]Other
First Name: .................................................. ...
Initial: ........
Last Name: .................................................. ....
Password: ............................... (max 8 char)
Code Name: .................................................. ....
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /......
Serial Number:........................................... .....
Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
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[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
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[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
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[_] Watching sports on TV
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Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

[Jason[98.EL]]

see posy 2292 of this thread

Jason

[Mickxr8]

Originally Posted by Jason[98.EL]

see posy 2292 of this thread

Jason

sorry. my bad..

[FGII-XR6]

the irish can count well

[LXL15]

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the barman says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper responds:

"What, Kevin?"

[pauljh74]

..........Well you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

[FGII-XR6]

School Play

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he
asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been
married for 20 years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be
giving you a speaking part."

[FGII-XR6]

Emergency Services

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western
aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan .
He suddenly lost his footing and fell into the Yarra River .
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.
By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.
I'm beginning to think I've wasted a stamp!

[FGII-XR6]

My 1 day of employment ,

So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many
retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to
Bunnings.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped
yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's
9,
and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe
someone slept with you twice.. .
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

[NGN 351]

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?

Amhere

What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?

Amhere Azwel


What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?

Amhere Azwel Azhim

[pauljh74]

I found out that if you play a Justin Beiber album backwards, you hear satanic messages.

What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Bieber.
*******************

Prince William's stag do is going to be very weird...

Stuffing pictures of his Gran down the bras of strippers!
*******************

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know
*******************

roses are red

violets are blue

i've got Alzheimers

cheese on toast
*******************

Nothing says inbred royal than wanting to see your girlfriend's finger in your dead mum's ring.
*******************

My little boy asked me if father Christmas was real?

I said of course not mate, because if he was, he would have to fill a risk assessment form and would never be allowed on the roof without a safety harness.

[Legit290]

this baby seal walks into a club...

[Mickxr8]

.
Noo Zullanders!!



Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them.




"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies.. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's


They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.


Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."




The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.


The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).


When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy
a ticket at all!!




"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Maori.




"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Aussie .


When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train
departs.




Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."