What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments about the toilet seat – use the sink!

4. For high blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be to afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use duct tape.

8. Remember – everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily thought. Some people are like Slinkies – not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

[XR6-VCT-2000]

Q. What did 'Fatcat' say to 'Humphrey' ?

A. " ". !

[asusdragon]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments about the toilet seat – use the sink!

4. For high blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be to afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use duct tape.

8. Remember – everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily thought. Some people are like Slinkies – not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

read this while go on some other website so had to copy two of the comment for my signature

[troppo]

The 7 dwarves were sitting around in the bath feeling happy.
Then Happy got out.
So they all felt grumpy.

[Burnout]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...

We need = I want.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.

I'll be ready in a minute = I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]

MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now!

I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.

Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

BABY QUIZ

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes University.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labour?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause haemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to breast feed.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A: When the kids are in college.
----=====#####=====---

A KIWI, A SHEEP, AND A Dog

A New Zealander, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while,
they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun
go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there,
the sheep started looking better and better to the New Zealander. Soon, he
leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous,
growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there
was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful woman the New Zealander had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way
when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the
young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings" again. He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to
the young woman shyly and whispered in her ear, " ... would you mind
taking the dog for a walk?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, So the captain sent the old
man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they
found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:

"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was
an oyster and inside there was a pearl worth $ 50,000. Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

[Bossxr8]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...

We need = I want.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.

I'll be ready in a minute = I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]

MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now!

I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.

Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Never a truer word spoken.

[Burnout]

THE NEWLYWEDS

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to a bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, "Yes, lollipop ... but at the bar ... you know ... they have
frozen glasses ..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out
of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious ... I won't be long,
I'll be right back. I promise. Okay?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that ..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie? Listen up jerk! Drink your goddamn beer in
your goddamn frozen mug and eat your stupid snacks, because you are married now, you aren't going anywhere! Got it, ar*ehole?!?"

And they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

--oooOOOOOOooo-- --oooOOOOOOooo-- --oooOOOOOOooo--

HEARD ON THE WEST COAST

A Third grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Eagle fan. She
asks her students to raise their hands if they are Eagle fans too. Not really
knowing what an Eagle fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher,
their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Larissa has not gone along with the
crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an Eagle fan " she answers.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm an Dockers fan " boasts the little girl.

The teacher asks Larissa why she is a Dockers fan . "Well, my Dad and
Mum are Dockers fans , so I'm a Dockers fan too" she responds.

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Larissa smiles and says, "Then I'd be a "Collingwood fan".


--oooOOOOOOooo-- --oooOOOOOOooo-- --oooOOOOOOooo--

A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but she brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" she blurts out, blowing her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here,
plop your fat down, don't even say hello to me, and then expect me to
run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash
and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, "Oh, Hell. It's started."

--oooOOOOOOooo-- --oooOOOOOOooo-- --oooOOOOOOooo--

THE CAT

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry
sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted
down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the
vet. She had no name, which we knew of, so we named her Pussycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know
when we could come and get her. My husband, the complainer, said, "Okay,
but don't forget to wash her. She stinks."

My husband and the vet don't see eye-to-eye. In fact, they don't get along
at all. The vet calls my husband El-Cheap-O. My husband calls the vet
El-Take-O. They love to hate each other.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet. He had obviously seen my husband arrive. Looking straight at my husband he said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way,
I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"

--oooOOOOOOooo-- --oooOOOOOOooo-- --oooOOOOOOooo--


Hill and Bill

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that
she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term
as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets
Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming;

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you
go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found
out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well,
what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did
you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely
audible whisper, he says,

"Who is this?"

--oooOOOOOOooo-- --oooOOOOOOooo-- --oooOOOOOOooo--

[guitarman]

I just wrote a book called 'Diseases in Cuttlefish', which will be about six quid

[BENT_8]

Ok, theres this little fly hovering about 12" above a stream, unbeknowns to the little fly, there is a fish in the stream watching him.
The fish thinks that if only the little fly would come down 6" he could jump up and eat it.

Well, little does the fish know that a large bear is hiding behind a tree, watching the fish, watching the fly, and he thinks if the fly came down 6", the fish would go for the fly and he could get the fish.

Well, little does the bear know that a hunter is a short distance away eating a cheese sandwich whilst watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly and he thinks if only the fly would come down 6", the fish would go for the fly, the bear would go for the fish and he could shoot the bear.

Well, little does the hunter know that a mouse is watching him eat his cheese sandwich, whilst heis watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly and he thinks if only the fly would come down 6", the fish would go for the fly, the bear would go for the fish, the hunter would go for the bear and when he put his sandwich down, the mouse would run out and get it.

Well, little does the mouse know that a cat is watching him, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly and he thinks if only the fly would come down 6", the fish would go for the fly, the bear would have the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would go for the cheese sandwich and he could get the mouse.

Well, all of a sudden the fly goes down 6", the fish jumps to get it, the bear swipes at the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich to shoot the bear, the mouse scurries out for it and just then the cat leaps for the mouse but slips and lands in the creek.

Whats the moral of the story???


When the fly comes down 6", the pussy gets wet!

[jcxr]

Q: whats the differance between a dog and a fox. A; 6 pots.

[Burnout]

THINGS MEN WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN!
(from Cosmopolitan)

We'll never understand... why she thinks it's fair that he sleeps on the
couch because he didn't notice she'd gotten a haircut.

We'll never understand... why she orders a huge salad with low-fat dressing,
then eats steak and French fries from his plate.

We'll never understand... her going from crazy-screaming mad to weepy to icy calm in the space of 60 seconds.

We'll never understand... how she can watch one channel and just stay there, even through the commercials.

We'll never understand... the concept of night-time outfits and daytime
outfits.

We'll never understand... the fact that she can't wash her face and body
with the same kind of soap.

We'll never understand... why she feels fat when she's gained 2 pounds.

We'll never understand... the idea of buying a raincoat that shouldn't get
wet, a winter coat that isn't all that warm, and shoes that aren't very
comfortable.

We'll never understand... her doing a full makeup job when she's only going
out for a loaf of bread.

We'll never understand... why she can't wear the same dress to her office
Christmas party two years in a row.

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

MOOD RING

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*caking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

THE OFFICE

There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility
tomorrow.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of
mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in
the average office.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the
statue.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will
never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us
who do.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition
results in promotion to a job you can't do.

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and
never quit are idiots.

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it
an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

Remember the 3 golden rules:
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn't do it.
3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot
soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on
than illumination.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or
just half of someone else's?

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was
just some bastard with a torch bringing me more work.

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

FLUSHED WITH PRIDE: Microsoft has unveiled its newest innovation: the iLoo.

The self-contained port-a-potty includes a waterproof keyboard and screen so that a seated ... um... user can get on the Internet. Possible add-ons
include a keyboard and screen outside the door, so the first person in the
queue will have something to do while waiting.

The company also says it is also in talks with toilet-paper manufacturers to
get special rolls printed with addresses of interesting web sites. "The
Internet's so much a part of everyday life now that surfing on the loo was
the next natural step," said marketing manager Tracy Blacher. "It's exciting
to think that the smallest room can now be the gateway to the massive
virtual world." (Seattle Post-Intelligencer) ...

Suggested slogan: "When you think of crap, think Microsoft."

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

GOLF - DEFINED

GOLF, n.

[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment
and bad arithmetic.

[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you and
the fastest are behind.

[3] a colourful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink and
financially in the red.

[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because
it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.

[5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green and then
you find yourself in a hole.

GOLF CART, n.

[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can
neither count, criticize, nor snicker.

GOLFER, n.

[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six and puts down five;

[2] a bloke who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

GOLF - DEFINED AGAIN

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and
yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called
golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front
of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf, a five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf you go out with three friends, play eighteen
holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice once before swinging,
and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count,
criticize or laugh.

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

MATHS

The owner of a golf course in Oklahoma was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of
Oklahoma. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?"

The secretary thought a moment then replied, "Everything except my ear-rings."

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

Why is it you can sue McDonalds if you get fat, sue Marlboro if
you get cancer but you can't sue Carlton and United Breweries
for all the ugly people you shag?

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

[sarrge2001]

Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. His dude replies 'You're lucky... Mine is still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; Bugger off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Crikey mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes epileptic'

[V3RSAC3]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy s******d a penguin!'

'Grumpy s******d a penguin!'


:

[faalcon]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.


He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for
one of those Barbie's in the display window?'


The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?


We have: Work Out Barbie for 19.95, Shopping Barbie for 19.95, Beach
Barbie for 19.95, Disco Barbie for 19.95, Ballerina Barbie for 19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for 19.95, Skater Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie
for 265.95.


The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie 265.95
and the others only 19.95 ?


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made
with Ken's balls.

Gift Certificate ...

A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it . . . she'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!'"

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in
a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to
bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to
enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was
keying in...
P...
E.....
N....
I.....
S.....


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


PASSWORD DENIED : NOT LONG ENOUGH...!!!!!

[faalcon]

Woman's Little Instruction Book:

1. Woman don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself variety.

2. The best reason to divorce a man is for your health: you've gotten sick of him.

3. Definition of widowhood: the only good thing some women get out of marriage.

4. Always take disappointments like a man - blame them on a woman.

5. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things, too.

6. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

7. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

8. Men are like buses - they never appear when you want them to and when they do they're driven by someone who only has a learner's permit.

9. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

10. A man who can dress himself without looking like Homer Simpson is unquestionably gay.

11. Don't bother going to the chiropractor to get rid of a pain in the neck. Just divorce him.

12. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

13. Husbands are like kids - they're okay as long as they're someone else's.

14. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

15. Having more than one wife is bigamy; having more than one husband is pure insanity.

16. A man's idea of serious commitment is "Oh, all right, I'll stay the night".

17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the shower to pee.

18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is.

19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.

20. There are a lot of words you can use to describe a man - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong, but you could still use them.

21. Men are like animals - messy, insensitive, and potentially violent - but they make great pets.

22. Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells per man.

23. There are only 2 four-letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop" - unless, of course, they're said together.

24. Wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones.

25. Always remind your husband that the wages of sin is alimony.















A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches 'Can I help you sir?'

'Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' the man replies. The cop asks 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?' 'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...

He asks the man 'Sir, are you aware that you’re exposing yourself?' Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........

'Holy s*it ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!'












Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In The Office, But Aren’t!

10. I need to whip it out by 5!
09. Mind if I use your laptop?
08. Just stick it in my box.
07. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
06. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!!!
05. HMMMM, I think it’s out of fluid.
04. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
03. It’s an entry level position.
02. When do you think you will be getting off today?
01. It’s not fair, I do all the work while he just sits there!!

[faalcon]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He doesn't remember how he got home from the party.
Fearful he made some horrible blunder, he forces his eyes open, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing, all clean and pressed on a chair.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order and spotlessly clean.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey,

Breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love,

Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.

Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So,why is everything in such
perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT.... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'

* Broken Coffee
Table $239.99

* Hot Breakfast $4.20

* Two Aspirins
$.38

* Saying the right thing, at the right time...
PRICELESS!







In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his dumb *** against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant





Why I fired my Secretary...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’

I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ‘Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ‘ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’

I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !’

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?’

I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind ?’ She said, ‘Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.’

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ‘Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’

‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there… On the couch… Naked.

[faalcon]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
buffalo s*it. Someone stole tent

[Burnout]

A GOOD COLLINGWOOD FAMILY

A Family of Collingwood supporters head out one Saturday morning to do their
Christmas shoplifting .

While in Rebel Sports the son picks up a Geelong footy jumper and says to his
10 year old sister, "I've decided to become a Geelong supporter and I would
like this for Christmas".

His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him round the head with her
carton of Winfields and says, "Go talk to Mum."

Off goes the little lad with the Geelong footy jumper in hand and finds
his mother.

"Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I
would like this jumper for Christmas".

The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full stubbie
of VB at him, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Lets go talk to
your father".

Off they go to Pentridge during visiting hours with footy jumper in hand and
find Dougey, his father.

"Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I
would like this jumper for Christmas".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head with the
Herald Sun Turf Guide and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in
THAT", and then kicks him from one end of the reccy room to the other for
further good measure.

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home
(Reservoir).

The mother turns to her son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?"

The son says, "Yes knackers I have."

"Good, son - what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Geelong supporter for a couple of hours and already
I hate you Collingwood b*sta$ds."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BALLERINA

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a bar. She raised
her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people
sitting at the bar, and she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say old chap, it's
your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be
a ballerina."

[tufLTD]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart, she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August"

[EgoFG]

Originally Posted by guitarman

'I sat on a Land Mine' by Bluey Zarsoff

His brothers Terry and Bernie had different problems, but the same symptom

[FGII-XR6]

have noe of you heard of the band the zarsoff bros ? the original line up was
Izzy Foreal
Bernie Zarsoff
Bluey Zarsoff
Terry Zarsoff

as the line up changed these members came and went
Smoky Zarsoff
Rocky Zarsoff
Rory Zarsoff
Lefty Zarsoff
Rudi Zarsoff
Cranky Zarsoff
Arfur Zarsoff
Zippy Zarsoff
they recorded 2 EPs titled "Bumsweat and Other Popular Filth" & "Nose Picking Boogie"
anyone who didn't crack up during their show was certified dead
here is their homepage so you know i'm not making this up http://zarsoffs.iwarp.com/index.html

[Burnout]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' '

Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'.'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you on its head.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A new manager was hired to replace one recently fired. He notices three envelopes in his desk drawer. The first is marked “Open after one year.” The second “Open after two years.” And the third is “Three years”.

He buries them in the drawer. Things are going pretty good the first part of his rookie year. But, towards the end things start to head downhill and it looks like he’ll have to give a mediocre report to the Board at his yearly review. Then he remembers the envelopes. Curious, he opens the first one. In it is a note that reads:

“Blame it on me.”

Brilliant! He writes his report to say everything was the former bosses fault and he’s doing his best to change things around.

Another year goes by and his group’s performance is not up to standards. He remembers the envelopes and reads the second: “Reorganize”.

Brilliant! His report says he recognizes the faulty performance and has reorganized his entire group to correct it. Just give it a little time to settle and all should be fine.

Well, as you can imagine, the third year is worse yet. But he has the magic envelopes so when reporting time rolls around he anxiously open the third and it reads:

“Prepare 3 envelopes.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fo*kin' candle.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way.'

'I know,' says Paddy, 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing?
Have you not found one yet?'

Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jesus Christ, ye daft sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!

[rodderz]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would
like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and
shouts at the top of his voice 'Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!'.
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up
again and shouts 'No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord'.
A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,
dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. 'No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a
jazz chord'.
Well and truly p*ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage 'OK smart ***. You
get up here and do it!'
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
mike.....and starts to sing .....

'A jazz chord to say I ruv you...'

[Geez Louise]

Oh that is bad....

Almost as good as...

Why are pirates always angry???
Coz they Arrrrrrgh.

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by rodderz

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would
like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and
shouts at the top of his voice 'Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!'.
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up
again and shouts 'No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord'.
A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,
dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. 'No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a
jazz chord'.
Well and truly p*ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage 'OK smart ***. You
get up here and do it!'
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
mike.....and starts to sing .....

'A jazz chord to say I ruv you...'

MATE!!!...Seriously!.........G, sometimes you C that A joke will Bb, but that one was F#

[sarrge2001]

Originally Posted by guitarman

MATE!!!...Seriously!.........G, sometimes you C that A joke will Bb, but that one was F#

You have far to much time on your hands......

[Burnout]

THE NUN

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point, my son, and I apologise if I offended you. But the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed ..."

"Look, there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know."

"I'll tell you what ... come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink.
One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well, let's go inside and settle this!"

"No, my son - I could never enter such a place.... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Then bring it out here to me, and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy. The guy goes into to bar and says to the bartender:
"Two scotch on the rocks - and could you put one of them in this tin cup?"

The bartender sighed and asked, "Is that nun out there again?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry Kissinger(former US Secretary of State)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' - Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." - George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-." - Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" - Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

“Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

BRAVERY AND TRUE BRAVERY

Bravery - is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

True Bravery - is coming home late, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the backside and saying, "You're next!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

[Burnout]

Instructions for your AussieSheila

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR decision to choose an AussieSheila. Your investment
should give you a lifetime of pleasure and trouble-free operation. Please
read these instructions carefully before use. (if ya follow the user
manual that is!)

Warnings
* Not suitable for use with maps.
* Requires regular chocolate supply (not included).
* Contents may settle over time.

Getting started
* Servicing your AussieSheila requires considerable skill and knowledge.
Please leave adequate time and proceed cautiously. Each step must be
thoroughly completed before moving on. DO NOT SKIP STEPS.

* Do not attempt to service your AussieSheila if she is still connected to
a telephone line.
* If your AussieSheila appears difficult to get going, it may be your
fault. You may be in the wrong gear. Try changing out of your
T-shirt and Stubbies into something more elegant. (see that
fella's.....it's not always the girlies fault!)

Ongoing use
* Unlike some overseas models, the AussieSheila will not operate on limited
supplies of power. Please ensure 100 per cent access to any available
household power.

* Your AussieSheila comes with an attractive and durable outer casing.
However, due to problems in the ego panel, your AussieSheila may believe
her outer casing to be drab and unattractive. This fault is general to all
models and is not covered by your warranty.
Remove access to any mirrored surfaces and gently attempt to reinflate ego.

* If asked to assess whether your AussieSheila's bottom appears large in a
certain outfit, stand directly in front of your
AussieSheila, holding her shoulders with both hands, and employ the phrase,
"No, not at all." FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS SAFETY WARNING
CAN RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS.

Troubleshooting
* Fault: My AussieSheila keeps breaking down.
Solution: Your AussieSheila is designed for multi-tasking. However, during
multi-tasking, dangerous levels of guilt may build up on all working
services. Your AussieSheila may blame herself for problems at both home
and work, noting that she is juggling so many tasks she cannot be expected
to perform them all to a high standard. In extreme cases she may even feel
guilty about events quite beyond her control, such as the recent failure
of the Russian wheat harvest. Try to remove accretions of guilt using a
soft cloth.
Attempt to encourage her to pump blame through to where it belongs: her
boss, the kids, you and Vladimir Putin.

* Fault: My AussieSheila is difficult to turn on.
Solution: Before attempting to turn on your AussieSheila, you must pay
close attention to her three main erogenous zones. These comprise: the
kitchen floor, the shower recess and the bathroom floor. Make sure you
give each of them a thorough rub, using a circular motion and lots of
elbow grease. Once your AussieSheila has observed her AussieBloke on his
hands and knees, dressed in his shorty pyjamas, scrubbing out the shower
recess, you may find she has already turned herself on.

* Fault: My AussieSheila refuses to order dessert at the restaurant, but
then eats all of mine.
Solution: Order something she doesn't like.

Waivers and exclusions
* The word "help" should not be used, especially as part of the phrase "Can
I help with the housework?" Your AussieSheila does not want "help" with the
housework. She wants you to bloody well do your share. (damn sure!!!)

* Occasionally your AussieSheila will use language more befitting a Sydney
wharfie. This is not considered a fault but is merely a regional variation
in the language pack.

* Care should be taken with any observation relating to an AussieSheila's
shape or tummy size. You should only compliment an
AussieSheila on her pregnancy if you can see an actual baby emerging at the
time.

A final word
* While requiring more power than some models currently available overseas,
the AussieSheila remains a world beater in terms of responsiveness,
durability and excitement albeit not always in ease of handling. Use your
AussieSheila with respect and care and you will enjoy years of dependable
and enjoyable service - service only available from the happy folks here
at AussieSheila.com Enjoy!

[guitarman]

A snail arrived at the Dept of Transport to change his CTP from Suncorp to NRMA.

At about 4.30 PM, the snail climbed up to the counter and started to say: "Excuse me, could I please change my CTP to NRM.........." (WHACK)..........suddenly, the Clerk brushed the snail off the counter, onto the floor, and continued serving other customers.

24 hours later, the same snail re-appeared on the same counter. The same Clerk thought to himself: ("Gee, that snail's back again").

Suddenly the snail replied: "...'Ere, what'd you do that for?

[Burnout]

Real Programmers

Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works - with
computers.
He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he
would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this
opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the
office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on
recognizing real programmers away from the computer room:

At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about
operating system security and how to get around it.

At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays
against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.

At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the
sand.

A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light shows.

At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he
almost had the sort routine working before the coronary."

In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running
the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could
trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

The Real Programmer's Natural Habitat

What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is
an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the
amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or
her) in an environment where he can get his work done.

The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal.
Surrounding this terminal are:

Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in
roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.

Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally,
there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the
cups will contain Orange Crush.

Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL manual and the
Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages.

Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the year 1969.

Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese
bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get
any worse while waiting in the vending machine.

Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff
Oreos for special occasions.

Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by the
previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not
documentation.
Leave that to the maintainence people.)

The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a
stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad
response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance
to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule
pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging
by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first
nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three
50-hour marathons. This not only inpresses the hell out of his manager,
who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a
convenient excuse for not doing the documentation.

In general:

No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones at night.)

Real Programmers don't wear neckties.

Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes. [But you *never* know!]

Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.

A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does,
however, know the entire ASCII (and/or EBCDIC) code table.

Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at
three in the morning.

Real Programmers survive on Biscuits and coffee.