What jokes do you know?

[kyro_02]

omfg... i have read this before, and i still didn't catch on...
you had me... hahaha

[pauljh74]

My wife is a magician. The other day she turned her car into a tree.
************

Sepp Blatter looked gutted announcing the World Cup Bid Winner just now.

There was no money in the envelope.
************

I'm surprised Qatar won the 2022 World Cup. Their bid was very sheiky.
************

You may not like Fifa's decision but you have to applaud their recent anti-discrimination policy.

White envelopes, brown envelopes, manila envelopes, all envelopes....
************

After Qatar's success in wining the hosting of the 2022 World Cup , Saudi Arabia has announced that they are going to bid for the Winter Olympics and Susan Boyle is entering herself into Miss World
************

[FGII-XR6]

Tree Hugger

When you think you're having a bad day .................read this and know
that it could have been worse.

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys,
then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he
finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked
around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just
ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...."

[LilLauren]

[Dave_Obsession]

[Fled74]

^ Love 'em! ^

[bungarra]

NEWSFLASH!! Frosty the Snowman has been spotted in the vegetable section of Woolworths. He was seen picking his nose!

Rudolph was a red nosed reindeer, he made a very tasty stew. Then all the other reindeer were told 'next time it might be you!'

Santa says: HOHOHO. Tiger Woods says: Where, where, where?!

[FGII-XR6]

secret mens business

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[FGII-XR6]

decorations

I went to redneck's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree
was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.

I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"

Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a
bare tree."

[FGII-XR6]

wireless

[FGII-XR6]

.................................................

[FGII-XR6]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one
less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

[pauljh74]

The other day I was out in town when some feral bogans started on me, threatening to beat me up.

"Do you know who my dad is?" one of them asked.

"No," I replied. "Do you?"
*********************

Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".

Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.
*********************

What do you call a nun on a scooter?

Virgin Mobile

[sarrge2001]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[Dave_Obsession]

[pauljh74]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave holds back tears as he realizes his mother's Alzheimers is getting worse.
********************

I haven't been in work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.
********************

My son told me a girl was yelling at him and he just sat there wondering what he did wrong.

Imagine, at 9, being so ready for marriage.

[FGII-XR6]

HO HO HO , oops we can't say that any more

[FGII-XR6]

maybe we need raod signs like this

[pauljh74]

I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.
*******************

I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my dodgy neighbours on their toes for a while.

[sarrge2001]

Warnie and Simone have separated again. She liked to sleep in and he preferred to get up Hurley....

[Velociraptor82]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

II've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my dodgy neighbours on their toes for a while.

I love it!
I'll have to try that myself...

[go_ford]

HRT have released an album containing some of their favourate christmas songs..
some you might have heard of are-
#1. All i want for christmas is number 1.
#2. James courtney is coming to town.

[Mickxr8]

> One dark night in the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink, the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.


> > > When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company > > >president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes > > >are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will > > >donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.' > > > > > > But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. > > > > > > Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became > > >desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer > > >to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could > > >save them. > > > > > > Suddenly, from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came > > >into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer > > >fire department, composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65. > > > > > > To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these > > >Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight > > >into the middle of the inferno. > > > > > > Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped > > >off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. > > >Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire > > >and saved the secret recipes. > > > > > > The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman > > >accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally > > >thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.> > > > > > A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' > > >reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?' > > > > > > 'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 75 year-old fire chief, > > >'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

[Mickxr8]

Just in time for Xmas - Sounds good to me!!!!! Christmas Cake recipe!!



Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs

* Nuts
* 2 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Go to Coles and buy cake..

Bingle Jells!

[pauljh74]

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?"

"The same way I like my sex," I replied.

He smiled and said, "So, rare?"
********************

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said:
'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.'
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: 'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water.
She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway..
The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

The old woman fainted.
***********************

When the wife dragged me round her mother's for dinner, I had to be on my best behaviour.

"Wow" I said, "You and your daughter could be sisters."

Her mum's eyes lit up. "Oh you're so charming! She's nearly 30 years younger than me!"

"I know" I said, "She's aged terribly."
***********************

How do you kill that which has no life?

Cancel its World of Warcraft account.

[Springfield_Johny]

*
*
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?"

"I won First Place!," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"I won First Place, too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Julia Gillard?" asked Pinocchio.*

[FGII-XR6]

INTERNET WARNING

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Susan Boyle ", DON'T open it.
It contains a nude photo of Susan Boyle.

[Skid Marx]

What's the difference between a scarecrow and two old ladies locked in the larder?

Well, a scarecrow is a pair of old pants in the country...

[pauljh74]

Copied from here:
http://sniffpetrol.com/2010/12/13/th...anges-in-full/


Last week the FIA announced Formula 1 rule changes for 2011 and beyond. However, not all of the proposed rules were passed by the sport’s governing body. Now Sniff Petrol can exclusively reveal the regulation changes that didn’t make it:

* Ferrari to agree in advance which rules they’re going to ignore.
* Michael Schumacher allowed to pretend he wasn’t in 2010 season.
* All teams to use 1.6-litre turbo four-cylinder engine from Fiesta RS Turbo.
* Ferrari allowed to ignore agreement about which rules they’re ignoring.
* Karun Chandhok to be re-classified as a ‘removable device’.
* All teams allowed to buy sixth engine from scrapyard.
* Stefano Domenicali limited to 50 appearances on BBC F1 coverage per season.
* Nankang to become second tyre supplier from 2012.
* All teams permitted to fit new air filter to Fiesta RS Turbo engine and then claim ‘XTRA 50BHP!!!!!!!!!’
* Kamui Kobayashi limited to four ambitious overtaking moves per season.
* Korean Grand Prix to become 35 percent less muddy by 2014.
* Eddie Jordan limited to 900 tons of bullcrap per season.
* Bernd Maylander in a Mercedes SLS to be recognised as an official world championship entry.
* A minimum of five teams called Lotus by 2013.

[FGII-XR6]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in Canada by boat. One says to the other,
"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in Canada, we might as
well do as the Canadians do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here," and
they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs,
please!" says one nun.

The vendor, very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands
them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers cautiously
...

"What part did you get"?