What jokes do you know?

[Velociraptor82]

COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia ’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely **** all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

[Fled74]

Girls: Want a sure-fire way to annoy your man? Start every sentence with: "Well, Oprah says..."

Guys: Want a sure-fire way to annoy your woman? Start every sentence with: "Well, Clarkson says..."

[pauljh74]

An Apple store was broken into and $10,000 worth of merchandise was stolen. The police are confident they can recover both computers.
*******************

the government has decided to install blue movies on screens at petrol pumps. the idea is that you can watch someone else being screwed while you are

[pauljh74]

Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're screwed.

[XRGhia]

love that one from facebook!

[rodderz]

I was alone in the house lying in bed last night when I heard someone fart.

I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared.

[Geez Louise]

I cant believe my neighbour knocked on my front door last night at 2am!! 2am!! Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums!

[BENT_8]

I recieved a call from my mate in brisbane last week, he lives amongst the flood affected areas.
He said they had just begun the clean up when the rains started falling again and the winds were gale force.
He was concerned, but he was more worried about his poor old wife.
She'd been standing at the kitchen window for two days...just staring through it.
he said if the weather gets any worse he may have to let her back inside.

Sorry, no offence to those affected, just some light humour!

Paddy goes to America for the first time.
Walking up 5th Avenue he notices a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.
He shouts up, 'I'm Paddy John Dara O'neill, an Irish rugby player, if you jump i'll catch you!'
A girl jumps out and he catches her.
A boy jumps out and he catches him too.
Then an African American jumps out so paddy lets him crash into the floor, he shouts up 'c'mon folks dont mess about theres no point throwin' down the burnt ones'

[Dauphin]

Why did the jelly bean go to school?

Because he wanted to be a Smartie.

[pauljh74]

What starts with an F and ends in a K, and when you cant get one you have to use your hands?

















A FORK you dirty buggers.
*****************

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'
*****************

Over 100 mobsters arrested in New York

Apparently the NYPD just went into Little Italy, shouted 'Yo Paulie....' and arrested anyone who replied.

[bungarra]

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren't that hungry after all?

__________________________________________________ _____________________

I've just bought that new Lynx deodorant - breadcrumb edition. The birds can't get enough of me!

__________________________________________________ ____________________

[Highway]

As it is nearly Valentines Day, i decided to beat the rush and reserve a table for me and my darling wife, i doubt she will be happy though, she hates Pool....!!!

[FGII-XR6]

New Years Prayer

Dear God,

All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year. Amen.

[FGII-XR6]

A sign

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist
Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across
the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the
ground, that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,

'You religious nuts!'

A few seconds later from the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big
splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should
jussay.....

'Bridge Out?'

[pauljh74]

A crayon had a threesome with two pencils. After some time she learned she was pregnant. Which pencil is the father...?


The one without a rubber...

[Springfield_Johny]

Is it just me or has anyone else opened a van of evaporated milk, only to find the milk still inside?

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by Springfield_Johny

Is it just me or has anyone else opened a van of evaporated milk, only to find the milk still inside?

I normally get my evaporated milk in tins... a van full is probably a bit much


I'm waiting for somebody to sell instant water....

[Springfield_Johny]

Originally Posted by AndrewR_AUII

I normally get my evaporated milk in tins... a van full is probably a bit much


I'm waiting for somebody to sell instant water....

Stoopid iPhone touch keyboards stuffing up my joke

[SIMBAD]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkt_Y3XW2iM

I had to put this up I laughed every tine I watched it

[Mickxr8]

this is about my standard!






When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

[Charliewool]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He
doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to
a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone
from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So
he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very
small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin
of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your
wooden leg up your **** and go as a toffee apple.

[pauljh74]

What's a willy and an opinion got in common?if a woman's got either its wrong....
*********************

In order to lose weight I'm trying out a new diet. It's called the Christianity diet.

Rather than eating food, I'm being fed lies.
*********************

Me and the ex-wife were in a car crash last night.
I was awoke 13 hours later with a doctor standing by my side.
"What happened?" I asked.
"You died twice in your sleep," He said,
"but we used the best of our abilities to bring you back to life,
and you'll be happy to know, your wife made it out with just a few broken ribs."

"My wife?" I replied, "Those marriage vows only said until death!"
*********************

I went for an appointment at the jobcentre earlier. My advisor was 20 minutes late, she seemed completely disorganised, and took a further 5 minutes finding my paperwork. I wasn't overly impressed.

Finally she sat down and asked me, "So, what jobs are you thinking of applying for this week?"

"Yours" I replied.

[Ford_The_Win]

Two girls are working on the checkouts in Coles.
One girl says to the other "Ya know, of all the blokes that come in here, I can always tell who's single and who's married."
"How do you do that?" says the other girl.
The first girl says "The next time a single guy comes through, I'll show you how I do it."

About 15 minutes later, this guy comes through the checkouts. Empties out his basket - one bread roll, one tomato, one onion, one apple, one tin of baked beans etc. One of everything.

The first girl looks at him and says "Hi how are ya"
"Good thanks" He says.
"Single, are ya?"
"Yeah! How'd you know that?" he says, excitedly.
"Because you're a *********g ugly c**t!"

[Jason[98.EL]]

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in

reviving her husband's libido.



'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.



'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'



'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when

you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.. Give it

a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'



It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as

to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!


T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'



'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.



'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was

almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with

his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups

and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and

there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an

absolute nightmare!'



'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband

provided wasn't good?'



'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm

sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in gloria jean's again!'

[Legit290]

This baby seal walks into a club..........

[FGII-XR6]

"Doctor, I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac, I can't stop stealing
things."
"Then take these pills, they should help.
"But what if they don't? asked the troubled patient.
"Then come back next week and bring me a blue-ray player and a flat panel
television.

[FGII-XR6]

A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist said "Sir we
have several different pain killers, do you have any allergies?"

"I won't need a pain killer, I have suffered the second greatest pain and
nothing could be worse" said the man.

"Sir, I think you should have a pain killer for an extraction, but what on
earth is the second greatest pain?

"How could I forget" said the man "A while back, I was on holiday in the
high country, hiking through the snow when I felt the call of nature. I
dropped my pants behind a tree to relieve myself and unknown to me, I was
squatting on top of a bear trap. It went off and caught me by the
family jewels. That was the second worst pain of all."

"Ouch" said the dentist" I understand, but if that is the second greatest
pain, what was the first?"

"Oh that was 3 seconds later when I reached the end of the chain."

[FGII-XR6]

At the cinema yesterday, I couldn't help notice an old bloke sitting in the
front row with his dog. It was one of those films - sad here and there and
very funny at other times. In the sad parts, the dog cried like a baby and
then laughed madly at the funny bits.
This went on through the whole movie.

On the way out, I couldn't contain my curiosity, so I spoke to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Your dog really enjoyed that
movie, it's remarkable!"

"Yeah it is." said the old man "He hated the book."

[my_gxl]

What sexual position creates the ugliest babies?

Ask your mum.

[Jason[98.EL]]

A 2009 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.
...
Bloody good value that!