What jokes do you know? - Page 84

Fled74 · 14-02-2011, 12:51 PM

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car when she was pulled over by a female police officer who also happened to be a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's drivers license. So she dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated when she asked, "what does it look like?"

The policewoman replied, "it's square and has your picture on it."

The blonde driver eventually found her compact mirror in her purse, looked into it and handed it to the police-woman.

"There you go," she said triumphantly.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, handed it back to her and said, "sorry, I didn't realise you were a cop."

FGII-XR6 · 18-02-2011, 03:02 PM

The Back Pew

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding
salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much
the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much
more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts
as He gives us.' Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much
of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

FGII-XR6 · 18-02-2011, 03:03 PM

Hi All
Just a warning on the New 3D televisions.

I bought one the other day and guess what!
These new 3 D televisions are so real.

I dozed off last night watching a documentary on aborigines.
When I woke up my wallet, beer and thongs were gone.

FGII-XR6 · 18-02-2011, 03:15 PM

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying 'English speaking Doctor'.
I thought; "What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country."

FGII-XR6 · 18-02-2011, 03:24 PM

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a
bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not
to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I
love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and
absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what
to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is
a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My car wouldn't start today, can't figure out why, but at least I
got laid.

FGII-XR6 · 18-02-2011, 03:26 PM

The Hotel bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant
70th birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive
hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for
£250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice
hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight
stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on
speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "The
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are
available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel
shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from
Edinburgh, Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here," the
Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't
use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to
pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this
cheque is for only £50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

pauljh74 · 18-02-2011, 05:39 PM

What a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentine's Day cards up.

The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to shag her.
********************

"You can tell a lot about a person by their car."
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
********************

I was in the pub with the wife last night and I said

"I love you".

"Is that you or the beer talking?"

"It was me talking to the beer"
********************

I pranked my girlfriend twice in a space of two days.

Yesterday I drew a tarantula on her rear view mirror, and today at the funeral, I drew one on her cheek.

**Charliewool** · 19-02-2011, 11:51 AM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

**Charliewool** · 19-02-2011, 11:52 AM

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.
'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...

**Charliewool** · 19-02-2011, 11:53 AM

A Polish immigrant went into Vicroads to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

**Charliewool** · 19-02-2011, 11:55 AM

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

spebgtsprint · 19-02-2011, 12:05 PM

I was travelling down the Freeway the other morning, when I noticed an RAC van on the side of the road.

As I slowed down near it, I noticed the RAC man get out of his van and start to kick at his wheels, bang his fist on the bonnet and he then broke out in tears.............

I said to myself "this fella's heading for a breakdown"................

CODSASR · 19-02-2011, 12:58 PM

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

"There are no fish under the ice!!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

CODSASR · 19-02-2011, 12:59 PM

A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.

He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"

The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts

"You! Your mother gives me a blow job!"

The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"

This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."

"Just one more!!" yells the old man.

So the bartender gets him one more tequila.

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts

"You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.

All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.

Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."

XRATE-UTERUS · 19-02-2011, 01:12 PM

Today's word is................. Fluctuations...........

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today, I only get hunat eighty?
Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady said, "Fluc you white people too"

csv8 · 20-02-2011, 10:13 AM

New Telephone Greeting:
Wouldn't it be amazing, if this caught on,
All over the world...?

"GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO CENTRELINK.
'Press '1' if you speak English.'
'Press ''2'' to disconnect until you can

Mr Hardware · 21-02-2011, 05:33 PM

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

pauljh74 · 21-02-2011, 11:51 PM

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
*******************

its been really weird in music lately. i listen to Michael Jackson and he dies, i listen to Oasis and they break up, and i listen to Gary Moore and he dies. Now let's go listen to Justin Bieber
*******************

Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left!

How am I supposed to prepare myself with these mind games?

AndrewR_AUII · 22-02-2011, 05:51 PM

Two most important words in a Marriage:

Yes Dear

**SSD-85** · 22-02-2011, 06:40 PM

AndrewR_AUII · 22-02-2011, 07:47 PM

Did you know there is a type of food that completely removed a mans sex drive.
It's called wedding cake.

If "I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language is "I Do" the longest one ?

SpoolMan · 23-02-2011, 01:35 PM

Now Closed because of several obvious breaches and it’s not the 1st , 2nd or 3rd or what ever time this has happened.

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