What jokes do you know?

[Mickxr8]

ok i`m not real computer savvy but is there an easy way of downloading files ( ie jokes ) from my email inbox straight to this site ?. ( i`ve got some some goodies on there !)

[Falcon_Phill]

Just select the text you want to copy from the email and copy it. Right click on highlighted text and pick 'copy'. Then come here, and in the post box right click where you would type the message and pick 'paste' - easy. Easy as this lame attempt:

How the fight started:

I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work.

I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it.... he was a dwarf.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said "I'm NOT f*#%ing happy!"

So I said "Well, which f*#%ing one are you then?"

And that's how the fight started......

[myxr6]

Nicobate

Two priests are in a Vatican
bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's and
notices
there's a Nicobate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe
you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or
shoulder, not your .'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'


*IF YOU
LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

BRAVERY AND TRUE BRAVERY

Bravery - is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

True Bravery - is coming home late, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the backside and saying, "You're next!"

Or a true story from a co-worker:
Visited a gentlemen's club , had a few drinks, then at 4am rang his girlfriend to come and pick him up from said establishment. Not surprisingly, she wasn't happy with him the next day.

[guitarman]

Saw a Daewoo Matiz the other day and thought to myself: "What a good idea...a converted shopping trolley!"

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by guitarman

Saw a Daewoo Matiz the other day and thought to myself: "What a good idea...a converted shopping trolley!"

The funny thing I see --- is you driving the thing!

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

funny thing --- I'm going to sell the RTV and buy one!!!

You're not are you, mate? That'd look even funnier than me driving it!

[Burnout]

Good Dogs can be hard to find!!

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single
file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this, whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

[TERMINATOR X]

whats white and fluffy?

white fluff...

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by guitarman

Saw a Daewoo Matiz the other day and thought to myself: "What a good idea...a converted shopping trolley!"

ive got a festiva with a rear spoiler so mines even got the handle bar, plus the many dents from being parked with the other shopping trolleys

[Burnout]

A Mississippi couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel
in Hot Springs for their honeymoon.

The new groom went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "This
is a very special 'casion... our weddin night... and we need your BEST room
with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The redneck fellow thought about it for awhile and then replied, "No,
I guess not ... I'll just hold on to her ears 'til' she gets used to it!"

[Jesk]

suppose this is a good enough joke ;)

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by Jesk

suppose this is a good enough joke ;)

Yours?

[Burnout]

Political Correctness gone Mad in the UK.

Advert for new air traffic controller says 20/20 vision is essential...
then offers application form in BRAILLE

An advertisement for an air traffic controller is being offered in Braille
-
although 20/20 vision is a requirement for the job.

Bosses of St Mary's airport on the Isles of Scilly say they are simply
adhering to equal opportunity guidelines.

The advert for the post, which carries a salary of between £34,000 and
£36,000, states that as well as having excellent vision, the applicant
needs to be highly qualified to fulfil the demanding role of guiding
aircraft safely into the hilltop airport, which is often fogbound.

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

Yours?

yup ive made so many jokes about all the dents in my car coming from parking it with the other shopping trolleys, so when i saw that bay which had the guide bars gone i had to take that pic

[ieatsports_cars]

Originally Posted by Jesk

suppose this is a good enough joke ;)

its got a nice handle to drag the trolly along and the other advantage is that you wouldnt need to go to the shops for another year... classic

[Burnout]

Inflatable Doll.....
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up.

[BIGJB]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano
bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the
bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out
a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish.
Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into
the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by Jesk

suppose this is a good enough joke ;) (Ford Festiva)

Mate, a Ford shopping trolley is OK!

: Do you notice many other makes have "DIE" in their names....cleverly disguised of course...e.g: DAEwoo; DAIhatsu: hyunDAI....are there subliminal messages hidden in these names that suggest your fate if you buy one of these...er..cars? :


(P.S: love your avatar, Jesk)

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by guitarman

(P.S: love your avatar, Jesk)

i had big sticker over the whole back bumper of my lancer based on that

[billkara]

What is green and yellow and eats nuts? Gonorrhea

[Burnout]

A woman calls a veterinarian at 1:00 in the morning, frantic that her pooch has been carrying on with another dog. They are now stuck together in the yard and she wants to get them apart.

The male vet, sounding a little irritated asks, "Did you try warm water?"

"Yes," said the woman, "It didn't work."

"Did you try banging pots and pans together, make a lot of noise to frighten them apart?"

"No, but I will try that right now, hold the line!" A few minutes later, she gets back on the phone

"No, that did not work either!"

The vet then says, "Ok, try this, after you hang up, put your phone in the window so the dogs can hear it." "Get on your cell phone and dial your number."

She asks, "Do you really think the ringing of my home phone will get them apart?"

The vet replies, "Well, it worked with me and my wife when you called!"

[pauljh74]

I met this bird last night who was very ugly, I said "What's your name?"
"Tuesday" she replied.
I said, "that's a strange name."
She said, "yeah, when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, 'I think we'd better call it a day.'"
**********************************************
When she gets married, on arriving at the church the first thing the woman will see is the aisle, next she will see the altar, and lastly she will see him...and that's exactly what the horrible cow is thinking.... " Aisle Altar Him "
**********************************************
I quit my job last week at the helium factory. I just didn't like being spoken to in that tone of voice.
**********************************************
France officially commended Zinedine Zidane for his head-butting antics during the previous World Cup.

Apparently, he was the first man in the last 100 years to fight in French uniform and win.
**********************************************
My Dad used to collect empty beer bottles; which is a nicer way to say he was an alcoholic.

[BENT_8]

A young teen goes to his father and asks what the difference between THEORY and REALITY is.
His father tells him to ask his mother if she would sleep with another man for 1 million dollars.
The teen goes to ask his mother who replies yes as it would pay the mortgage and set them up for retirement.
Unsure of this he asks his newly engaged sister to which she also replies yes as it would pay for a lovely wedding and a nice house.

The teen returns to his father with the results.
Well son you have your answer, in THEORY were sitting on 2 million dollars, but the REALITY is we live with a couple of sl**s

[Burnout]

HILLBILLY DAYVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a
visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer
said,'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'
The lawyer said, 'No,No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean,do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I gotta John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'.
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer
said, 'No,we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question
..Thelawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a
littlewhite gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants
a dayvorce.'

[XR6_661]

After getting all Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo ~ and he doesn't travel light! ~ the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets into the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver's worst fears are swiftly realised: exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my lord, I'm gonna lose my licence," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. The cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," says the cop.

The Chief exclaims, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean REALLY important," says the cop.

The Chief asks, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Well, who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

[Burnout]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 7:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song in a lift.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling s*x jokes around you.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Pal Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the sofa makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 pm.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a kebab at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your
stomach.

19. If you're a girl, you go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A £3.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

BONUS: When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh - what happened?

[Burnout]

A Maths equation

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND look how far ar*e kissing will take you.

A-R-*-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 131%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Bullsh*t and Ar*e kissing that will put you over the top!

[snakeoil]

My girlfriend dumped me last week

She said I was a sick demented filthy old paedophile

I said "Gee that's a big word for a six year old"

Cheers

[V3RSAC3]

Originally Posted by snakeoil

My girlfriend dumped me last week

She said I was a sick demented filthy old paedophile

I said "Gee that's a big word for a six year old"

Cheers

HAHAHAHAHA, i just fell off the couch hahahahaha