In need of guidance... What would you do?

[Woz]

Picture this...

Your best mate has had the worst ten months of anyone you've ever personally known. They've got more than their fair share (hair, lair, mare, scare...?) of problems and are currently in the process of having a great deal of those problems, which they thought were well and truly in the past, bought back for them to face again. The pain, the struggles, the fear. All of it.

This person has always been the for you, no matter what. Right from the beginning. Always been there for everyone, always tried their hardest and never asked for anything in return. When everything first turned to crap, this person had a very small group of people make any effort for them. A small group of friends and an even smaller selection of their family.

When all this began, you swore that no matter what it took, no matter what you had to go through, you'd do anything and everything you could for this person. You swore never to let anything or anyone cause this person anymore suffering. You've stepped up to people twice your size who've made a comment that shouldn't have been made, faced up to groups of people who outnumber you because they've said something to upset this person and taken the bullet on a couple of occassions when this person has gotten themself into trouble. Never because you were asked, purely because you swore to protect your best mate any chance you got. And despite what they've been facing, they've always overcome it to back you up, because they know you're always there to support them.

Basically, this person is the closest thing to a brother or a sister that you've ever had. The only the person in the world you trust. And someone you just don't keep secrets from.

Until one saturday night you're talking about a problem of your own to a couple of your other mates.

It's a problem you don't want the majority of the world to know about, and even feel uncomfortable talking to your closest mates about. Not as serious as what your best mates facing, but still pretty heavy. You don't want to keep it from this person, infact you'd normally be quite willing to tell them and only them. That'd actually be your priority choice, in a perfect world. But you worry that if this person found out, it'd only make things harder for them. One more thing to stress about. And you don't want that. They've got their own problems, they don't need anything else dragging them down. You don't want them to worry about you.

But you're talking to these two mates, and this person walks over to join the conversation. As hard as it is to do, you actually tell this person to hang on a second as you're in the middle of a conversation. You're mate makes a comment, just being smart, but taking it in their stride and walking off to talk to someone else.

Keeping in mind, the two of you do not hide anything.

As the night goes on, something seems wrong with your mate. They try to hide it, but you know them far too well to be fooled. The next day a comment is made, after much pushing for the truth, that yes they had infact been a little upset, but that they're over it now and it's all good. But you're still not sure. You want to tell them the truth, just confess everything, but you still worry about how it might affect them. You still don't want them worrying about you. But you know that's what will happen. Because all they do is care about the people around them.

Two days later, on the monday, this person is back in hospital for a major operation. You're in the car with them on the way in, you're by their side until they're taken into the Operating Room, and you're there waiting for them when they get out. You sit with them until visiting hours are over and you're asked to leave. You, your mate's partner, their brother, sister and mother. Your mate is trying to stay strong but it's as clear as day that they're struggling. You know it's hard for them, but there's nothing you can do for them. That amplifies your own problems, as does knowing that you're stilling hiding something from them. Something you want to tell them about, but are so scared of making things harder from them. You're also scared of damaging the friendship because they know you're keeping something from them. Something big. And the two of you swore that wouldn't happen.

Monday night, as your best mate lies in a hospital bed, in pain and in fear, on the phone to their partner for the last hour or so in tears, unable to sleep, you can do nothing but be upset about the whole situation.

Since your problems arose you've wanted to tell this friend about everything, but haven't felt that you've been able to. But you now worry that you're facing a case of being 'Damned if you do, damned if you don't'.

At the same time, you feel (and have felt since all this began) that having your friend know about your problem may help you deal with it aswell.

---

My question is, do you tell your friend (best friend, to someone who doesn't have many friends at all) what's eating away at you despite a fear that it'll only give them one more thing to worry about? Or do you go on keeping it from them, letting it get worse and worse, forever bringing you down, through fear of it tarnishing your friendship?

What do I do? What would you do?

No jokes, no smart comments, no wandering off topic, no trying to guess what's going on, please? Not here. I'm after some very serious insight into what some people might do if this (not incredibly detailed, I know) situation was confronting them. None of this is something I feel comfortable talking to people around me about. I don't worry so much about questioning it here purely because of the lack of people who I've met or will meet, so I'm not so fussed about how people might change the way they look at myself or the other people involved.

Thank you all, so much, for taking the time to read this. I really do appreciate it. Sorry it was so long.

Thank you,
Warren

[Scott]

Sound's like a real tight spot. I'd say if it's gonna hurt your relationship with your best mate by not telling him then it sounds like something he should know about. There's a saying "when a man has done his best, he's done enough", is telling him the best that you can do? Sounds like it might be.

edit - Totally depends on the info though.

[ronwest]

sorry to hear about the dilemma.

The priority is your friend's health.

If telling your friend will make no difference healthwise, tell him/her.

If it will make a difference healthwise, don't tell him/her.

[fiery]

Woz
I wish I had some really great advice for you here mate, but the only thing I can really say is maybe if you just let your mate know that there is something on your mind but you dont wish to add to his worries.
By telling him that when he is stronger (out of hospital and healed) you would like to share something with him, will maybe buy some time and ease his mind that you arent actually 'hiding' something but worried about him right now..

Or you could sit down with him and tell him.. You guys are close so Im sure he will understand why you havent told him (hospital, operation etc)previously ...

I really hope someone on here can offer up the advice you really need, and sorry I am not any help...

Good luck Wozza... go with what is in your heart...

[pauljh74]

Tell your best mate you have a problem (without telling him the problem) that you wanted to talk to someone about - but if you talked to him about it, you felt you'd be adding another burden onto him and you wanted to spare him that burden as he already had it tough enough. It will clear up why you excluded him from that conversation and finish up telling him how much you value his friendship. He was probably thinking why did you tell the others and not him, as he feels he is a closer mate then the others.

[Woz]

So far, thank you to everyone who's replied.

But before this goes further I just want to clear up that my problem isn't one personally related to my mate. This meaning, for example, that I haven't been with his missus. It's not something directly affecting him.

[Redrum]

Unless his health is of a psychological nature I would be up front with him. Just wait though to his current hurdle is crossed. Honesty best thing for relationships and friendships.

[svo347]

Take a breath, close your eyes and imagine if the tables were turned....
It maybe best for him to know but is now the right time.
turn the tables mate and re ask the question

[chief]

It is hard but when you have your best mates interest at heart. Hold off until he is physically better. When he gets better physically he will get better mentally. Then I will telm him. I would tell his partner now what is on your mind. If you have a good relation with her. I have been in that situation. He needs to be told but only when you think he can accept it - and you would have a good idea is.

[mick.wheelz]

This is a tough situation. But try to put yourself in his shoes. If you knew that your best mate had a problem, and usualy you and him discuessed everything, but this time he didn't tell you think how it would make you feel. Also taking into account that you have your own set of problems.

I know that if I were your mate I would be rather confused and probably a bit paranoid right now. You know that your problem does not directly relate to him, but he dosent and this may be worrying him.

You have to choose the lesser of two evils: a) you telling your mate about your problem and it adding stress to his life b) you losing him as a mate/drifting apart because he feels you can't or dont trust him anymore.

just my 2c.

[qwigybo]

sorry to hear woz definately a tough situation i'd have to agree with fiery though, just say that there is something you are keeping from him and that you are concerned for his health atm and promise to tell him once out of hospitial, if he pushes for you to tell him, i personally would do so but then i don't know the whole situation that you're in so it's really hard to pass a judgement, good luck to you and your mate though

[phoon]

Woz,
if others know about your problem, trust me, he will get told by one of them whether it be deliberately or by accident, it's just human nature. Best it comes from you.

[Casper]

you made a promise, you have to tell them.

[Penelope Pitstop]

Wozza

You have to tell him and you have to do it now.

Your mate is clearly hurt that you have not shared your problem with him and even though you are trying to protect and shield him from more pain you are indirectly causing him a whole lot more. He knows you are holding back from him that is obvious in your writing and I guarantee you that hurts a whole lot more than the pressure of dealing with more stress. He is your best mate, your confidant, your most trusted person in the world yet you have excluded him from something that is obviously a big deal… that is gunna hurt. He knows you have shared the information with others and deliberately excluded him – that is gunna hurt. He doesn’t know why and is mostly likely confused and may event think you have a problem with him.

Pull your mate aside as soon as you can and tell him everything and make him understand that the only reason you didn’t come to him first was that you were scared of overburdening him with your woes. I guarantee that he will be grateful to know the truth and also that he will support you because lets face it lifelong best mates don’t come along every day.

Good Luck Woz, keep us in the loop.

Torza :newangel:

[MO]

WOZ..talk to your mate.

[deesun]

Originally Posted by John McMaster

WOZ..talk to your mate.

And every other post will agree as does mine. Do it soon,the relief will be uplifting for both of you.

[Papa Smurf]

Woz, it sounds like you are a good mate and I say this because your main concern is HIS feelings and HIS health? rare these days.

I would suggest that you explain the concern to your mate and let him decide whether he needs to know the whole story or just the Outline? It is much better than letting this fester in your head.

[Mr Cube]

ring Dr Phil

[xe351]

yeah i agree with others, talk to ya mate, tell him the truth, it will be hard tho, good luck with it man

[Danny]

From what I have read here, Its clear that you need to tell him. It won't kill him, and it sounds like it's come to the point where telling him will make him feel better anyways....

[EA2BA]

unless you feel it could push them over an edge of no return, then tell them bluntly, like a bandaid, straight off.

I have always found the things i worry most about telling people are the things that matter least to them.

[alesia]

tough situation,
something to think about... he knows your holding out on him, and based on personal experience people usually expect the worst of a situation is they are not keep in the loop(everyone has an imagination),
he may be stressed because he thinks you dont trust him ??
and if so it may be a relief for him to know the truth and the reason why you didnt tell him......
no one can tell you the right or the wrong answer you know your friend go with what you first thought, basically go with your heart not your head

I hope your mates life settles down , because i know what its like to be in a difficult situation, Having friends that dont tip toe around you seemed to make things less dificult .....

Theres my 2cents

[old_mate]

I'd tell him

If its something not directly going to bring him down, im sure it wont do any harm to him (when you have a lot on your plate I find Im good at prioritising...learning real fast what i should/should not be concerned with). However, if you are 100% feeling this will cause further harm to him, i'd hold off until some of his personal problems subside.

just remember though what it means to be a 'best mate'

[4.9 EF Futura]

Well warren, you've cleared up what i was thinking (sorry, no offense intended) in that the "thing" revolved around a chick.

I'd just tell him. Pick the right time, a time when he's keen to listen because at the moment it sounds like he's probably got a few things to say to you. A time when its not going to be rushed and you can get stuck into the details.

Prob worth making it clear that you're not trying to burden him with anything... but it sounds like you really wanna tell him about whatever it is.

Whatever you decide, good luck. You seem like a decent bloke and a good mate - im sure whatever you go with, you'll have put a lot of thought into it and whatever you go with - it WILL be the right decision.

[RAREV8]

Hey Woz,

At the risk of repeating, your mate will be hurting because you have kept something from him and I suspect he will be feeling that because of his condition, you feel that he can't be told, hence making him feel a tad useless to you.

I would let him know that there was something and you didnt want to tell him until he was better- be totally truthful! I think that it will be a weight off his shoulders as well as your own.

This way, you don't have to burden him with your issue unless he really asks you to- he might leave it at that until he's better. I don't know your friend so this is all just speculation but I hope it is of some use.

All the best to your friend and I hope you sort out your issues too Woz,

Jamie

[Yummy Mummy]

If you think it's affecting his health by even worrying about "what might be" going on with you, then it probably would be better to tell him. Or take the advice to tell him why you excluded him, and that you will fill him in when he's feeling better.
Whatever decision you make, my heart is with you. You sound like an amazing friend who is selfless and caring. The best type of friend to have. If the bond between you two is as strong as it sounds, I don't think anything could tarnish it.

Good luck.
Christine.

[crusher]

Mate, youre an awesome bloke. Gotta tell you that straight up. Id be proud to call you a mate.

Like everyone else says, have a chat to him. I think hell be worrying about you too and telling him might put his mind at ease.

As you know, its ultimately up to you and I think you know what you want to do. Good luck mate and I hope your mate gets better quickly. I know what its like being down for awhile after having an op. Hope he gets better soon.

Good luck mate.

[gtfpv]

mate dont tell him like you told us . HE MAY HAVE A BRAIN HEMORAGE.
2ndly he is your best mate so tell him .
if he cant take it tough . as long as he wont get ill over it . if you think telling him will affect his health then dont tell him.
if the secret is of a sexual nature and doesnt concern him . then keep it to yourself. he doesnt need to know.
consider this , my best mate. is no longer a friend because he has kept too many things from me . this in turn has made me not be able to confide in him. so our friendship died. something to think about . but dont dwell on it. i cant see why you are reluctant to tell him if it doesnot concern him . if it doesnt concern him directly i'm sure he woint mind hearing . if it does concern him. think hard about it.somethings simply are just better left unsaid . but usually these are the things you dont want to say . you sound like you want to tell him in this case do it.

[Woz]

It concerns him in the sense that we are as close as we are, and it may affect a lot of things and people at certain times. Kind of hard to explain. That probably doesn't help anything at all. But it's something that people are going to slowly find out, as some already have. But the people I've told are people I trust. I don't have many friends, but I pick those I do very, very carefully. Trust is a big issue and those who know what's going on I know won't say anything.

GTFPV, if by sexual nature, you mean "am I gay" or something similar, that's not it.

It is, however, something that I'm starting to realise that I need certain people to know about. Ben's someone I'm eventually going to need to know. Firstly, because it's really hard to keep anything from him, as I said, trust is an issue and something I care very deeply about. And secondly, while not expecting people to be able to help or whatever, in any way, I think it'd help me to know that he knows and that I've still got him around to, I don't know, be a mate.

I'm thinking the best thing to do is to tell him I've got something to tell him once he's over his current hurdle. That being "out of hospital, back on his feet" mainly. I went in to see him tonight and he's actually a long way behind where he's supposed to be as far as physical state. So it didn't get a mention. But that's gonna be the way I do it. It's looking like he could end up back in a wheelchair for a while, possibly back in a rehab center again, so it'll have to be well and truly after that. If it's that bad.

I'll see how he is at the end of this week, I think. If he's starting to come good, I'll let him know that I've got something to tell him. After seeing how much he deteriorated from yesterday to today, now just isn't the right time. Once he turns it around and starts to climb uphill, I'll probably let him know.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate everyones response. It really is an amazing feeling to know just how many people, especially those you've never met and probably never will meet, will take the time even just to offer some positive comments.

Thanks a lot. Really.

[fiery]

Woz
anytime you need to get things off your chest, we are here for you.. (especially Tori and I- which you know)...

Your mate will be fine and you will be able to tell him what you need to at the right time.. remember to go with your heart..